WHY DISCLOSURE MATTERS

Life preserver by the water

You may be wondering, do you really have to go through with a guided therapeutic disclosure? The short answer is: you don’t have to. Some betrayed partners may feel like they know enough to make an informed decision about their relationship. Other betrayed partners may think that any additional information might just cause more damage. And that is totally fine. Part of recovery is giving back choice to the betrayed partner that was limited while the acting out partner was active in their addiction. I would venture to say that the group of betrayed partners who choose this route is in the minority.

Now, on to the majority. Without a full guided therapeutic disclosure the betrayed partner will likely get stuck. Her nervous system is in high alert searching for anything that could potentially pose a danger to her. Her world was shattered and now she questions everything. She wonders how much more there is beyond what you have confessed at discovery. Chances are she discovered your behavior. And no matter how much you claim you are telling the truth, to her the truth and the lies look the same. Her mind will go from worse case scenario to worse case scenario, turning to you for assurance. Only at this point your words aren’t worth much. She will continue to seek for safety in an unsafe situation. And continue to not find it. On repeat. Leaving you both exhausted and not knowing where to turn.

Enter the guided therapeutic disclosure. You sharing everything in your sexual history may be the first time that you are ever truly fully known. And when you share all of your deep dark secrets you are stepping into vulnerability and directly challenging your core belief that if you are known, you will be rejected. That no one will love you. And you owe her the truth. Leaving nothing out. Confirmed by a polygraph too add some credibility, the truth hurts. But, it also acts as a life-preserver for your partner. It is something that she can grasp onto to stay afloat in the sea of fear and despair. The truth allows her to know what is, instead of being tormented by every possible terrible scenario her mind can think of. It provides her something steady upon which she can build her own recovery. From that life-preserver she can now decide, fully informed, if she wants to swim towards you or away. Interestingly, most but not all, choose to swim towards.